Mystery Men
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IMDB rating: 5.70 Plot: In Champion City, would be superheroes like The Shoveler, The Blue Raja and Mr. Furious can’t seem to make a difference and impress either the city or its greatest superhero, Captain Amazing. However, when Captain Amazing is captured by his greatest enemy, Cassanova Frankenstein, these stumblebum heroes must join with other superhero hopefuls to save the Captain and the city. |
find and download Mystery Men DivX version
Actors: Azaria Hank,Stiller Ben,Macy William H.,Rush Geoffrey,Kinnear Greg,Waits Tom,Reubens Paul,Izzard Eddie,Mitchell Kel,Studi Wes,Jay Ricky,Action,Comedy,Fantasy,
Is this prolouge and start of my first chapter good?
I am a 13 year old girl and I am writing a fantasy/mystery story. It will be in 1st person and will have 2 main characters who will have a chapter each. This is my first draft. Here is the prologue and the start of the first chapter, can you give me your opinion on it please? Sorry for bad grammar it’s not my strong point. Thanks x
"So, will you do it or not?" Dave asked, his eyes were boring into me. I didn’t know what to do, me and my wife, Grace had been having money problems lately and this could solve everything. But it’s against the law my better judgement told me. I took a big breath.
"How much?"
"You won’t get your money until you have done what I ask, but it will be a lot. At least 2,000 dollars."
I let out a big breathful of air, that amount of money could solve all of our problems and more. Dave knew I needed the money that’s why he was asking me to do his dirty work. Dave was my boss, one of the richest men in Ohio, you could tell by looking at him. He was clean cut with his dark brown hair gelled back from his eyes, he was wearing a suit that probably cost the same amount of money as my car. His office was exactly the same, there was a window at the far end of the large room that took up the full wall and looked over onto the streets below, he had a large mahogany desk piled high with paper work and a sleek black laptop sat exactly in the centre of it. I was standing next to a very large potted plant that kept swaying in the breeze coming through the open window.
"Okay." I sighed "I’ll do it, but just this one time, if you ask me again I’ll say no."
Dave grinned showing of his dazzling white teeth, "You have made a very good decision Ryan, but if you betray me you’ll be sorry."
The venom of his words sent a shiver up my spine.
"Your free to go, and I wan you to work late tonight to make up the time you have lost talking to me."
My hand was twitching, ready to puch him, but I managed to make my feet move and slowly walk out of the room.
Chapter 1 - Ryan
Ding Dong. The sound of the doorbell made me jump, the house was eerily quiet and it was unusual, Grace was away at a job interview so I was on my own. l got up and went to the front door, I could see a tall and lean sillouete through the frosted glass window on the door. I peeped through spy hole and froze, it was Dave, oh god he was ment to be coming tomorro, I had everything planned out. When Grace came home I was going to tell her that we were going on holiday, of coarse we wouldn’t be it was a plan to get away form Dave. He rang the doorbell again repeatedly, he was getting mad
"Open the door Ryan, I know your in there."
I felt physically sick with fear, he was going to kill me I could see it in his eyes. Grace, was the only thought in my mind as I ran into the kitchen pulling open doors and cupboards, I had to write her a letter saying how sorry I was and giving her instructions. I eventually found a pen and started writing frantically. Grace, I was going to miss her so much, I went back to the front door. I am so sorry Grace I whispered before opening the door. Dave was standing on the doorstep, he was mad.
"Were have you been?" He spat.
"Sorry. I was in the shower."
"You know I don’t like waiting." He brung up his fist and slammed it into my face, I wasn’t expecting it, my nose burst open and blood spaterred all over the door. Dave went inside his jacket and brought out a small gun, I couldn’t draw my eyes away from it as he brought to my forehead and pushed me inside. I gulped and walked back slowly.
"You betrayed me Ryan, and you know what happens to people who betray me."
There was a bang and I felt excrucitating pain as the bullet entered my left temple.
I will always love you Gra …-
Is this anygood?
It could be.
Please work on your spelling and grammar! It is so hard to read and get where a story is going when half the reading time is spent deciphering what a word/phrase is supposed to actually be.
It does make me wonder, though, about the rest of the story, and that is what a writer needs to do- keep the reader reading.
Clean up the spelling, fix some grammatical errors (ex: ‘I know you’re in there’, not your; ‘brought’ not brung; and again, "you’re free to go’ not ‘your’- and those are just a few examples…)
Good luck. It could be good.
foenix | Feb 04, 2010
Spelling and grammar needs improving, and I think it flicks too fast from one scene to another - I got confused. Other than that, seems interesting.
Anomaly | Feb 04, 2010
WOW ur stry iz amazin , man i really wanna read the rest ov ih …..
jus wonderin hav u read noughts and crosses ih kinda goz wiv wot u wrote (it’s ma fave buk)
LOL
shadowgirl .x.
shadowgirl | Feb 04, 2010
Great start!
I admire you, the first chapter can be one of the hardest parts to write!
To make it better I would add more description, like how people move and speak.
e.g. ‘I ran quickly’ or ‘I ran like a cat’ or ‘he said coldly’
Also, the onomatopoeia ‘Ding Dong’ doesn’t really need to be there. You could just start with ‘The sound of the doorbell….’
Also, ‘brought’ not ‘brung’
amy_celestia | Feb 04, 2010
